Critiques on poems by Des, Quinn, Natasha (poem 2)

Mariah's Critiques

Poem 2, Des

The tone of this poem is so lovingly gentle, tender—soft. Your poem is, I think, a somewhat transparent poem about personal identity and learning to deal with and accept pain. But that transparency in no way detracts from the beauty of your language or the (almost contradictory) gentle forcefulness of your tone. There is an impeccable diction here, down to each word choice and punctuation (in so many places, but particularly strong in the beginning at “tragedy// here, only two faces, both false.” or in “when they fall,// they shatter together, perfectly.”) That same care is visible in the stand alone- sentence “This is the truth,” which seems to be a brave declaration to the reader that the whole poem is speaking the subject’s truth, is telling their story. Truly beautiful writing. My one wish is that instead of naming “Ancient Japanese art” in a nondescript way, the poem named the technique (I think you’re talking about kintsukuroi or kintsugi ?) To me this would help ground the poem a bit, dealing with a specific rather than a generality, but that’s likely more of a personal preference than a genuine critique.

Poem 2, Quinn

Your writing is always so twistedly original and sharp and this poem is no exception. Every word choice is crisp and precise and ultimately compels the reader into a weird sort of “out there” augmented reality. Your use of imagery and language in this poem is incredible—”the gimlets// taste better baptized, sin-soaked gin” is my stand-out favorite for both imagery and sound. But each word-choice, each image (“I let ice melt on my wrist”; “skin// split like garlic peel,// tissue paper,// wet”; “one of the peahens popped”; “doused in their sister” etc.) give the poem a sense of disjointed urgency. It reads as if both the subject of the poem—the mysterious “I” who bears witness to the strange death of the peahen—and the reader were being balanced on the edge of a guillotine blade. Really can’t find anything to criticize here. Well done!

Poem 2, Natasha

The amount you’ve managed to pack into this poem is astounding—from the striking religious imagery, the allusions to horror, circus freaks, ghosts, drug use, parental abandonment— there is a lot going on in the poem. But you are able to marry all of those seemingly disparate elements together into a convincing whole. Reading, I get the sense that the “crone” could be an old lover or maybe even an extended metaphor for the subject’s drug use or their mother? Really, I don’t know who the crone is but the imagery of the crone in her mask and the trading of war stories “forgetting who loved who” carries the reader into an unsettling place where the subject’s personal identity is on the line. Ultimately I read this poem as a search for personal identity and an attempt to grapple with the baggage of an unpleasant childhood. Hence the religious tones at the beginning “forgive me father…” take on a deeper meaning by the end of the poem: “but father went down to his knees.” I really liked the way you took us back to this imagery after having completely altered our expectations of its meaning. The only critical thing I’d say is that although your use of sound is great throughout, there are a couple of places where the repetition of certain sounds starts to become a bit dragging (“sand’s dwindling” or “poor was a chore. Sure”) You write so well and your language is so convincing throughout most of the poem that I’d hate to see the reader taken out of the poem by getting too caught up in sing-songy language. But overall, this was an impressive read! Well done!

Madi's Critiques

Des’ “Gilded Scars”

I love how this poem stays focused throughout while still remaining somewhat ambiguous. It toys with the line between metaphor and reality well with its sort of celebration of scars as a sign of endurance without glorifying or romanticizing it. The first line is such a strong declaration, “There is no comedy and tragedy,” which to me establishes a sort of “it is what it is” tone yet the speaker is more matter-of-fact than resigned.“This is the truth.” There’s also some ambiguity behind the two faces featured in the poem like maybe they’re the faces of a painting acting as a metaphor for two people or perhaps it’s a reflection of the people themselves, but a relationship exists either way. I loved the alliteration in “whispering shadows beneath the skin,” plus it’s wonderful imagery. I also think the short lines work well for the momentum of the poem and the ending has a sweet sentiment and ties back to the idea of celebrating “the scars of the past.” The title is also perfect in that sense—great poem!

Quinn’s “Indiscriminate Signs from the Universe, Untranslated”

Your poems always feel very experimental and never fail to impress. This one is no exception. There’s also always a narrative aspect where the characters are in a way, a proxy for the true, unseen speaker. I really enjoyed how this poem pauses in between its own storytelling. The poem begins with an ominous countryside feel starring two siblings (the speaker and their brother) and a barn. Before we get to the reason why the “brother ran out from the barn,” readers get a very detailed, immersive glimpse into the speaker’s psyche. “I let ice melt on my wrist; the doctor / told me once this helps stop panic attacks. My palms / are two lakes or [an] oil spill or watercolor / in a rocks glass / Drink Me. This personification is intriguing enough on its own and then there’s a sort of desperation behind the lines, “I know it’s toxic, I know, but Christ I’m thirsty / and the water is so blue.” The speaker acknowledges their harmful tendencies and thoughts but at the same time, can’t help themselves being entranced. The poem resumes its initial story when the brother reveals he ran because one of the peahens popped. For some reason, this gave me a magical realism vibe, especially considering how the story ends with the speaker realizing that only the chickens were “doused” in blood but the floor and walls were clean. I’m not quite sure what to make of this ending, but the title makes me lean more into my magical realism interpretation where maybe the speaker lives in a world where surreal, bizarre occurrences are normalized, and the how isn’t so much the question as the why. By the way, I loved all your enjambments and indentations! (“I waited / for the rain to stop, to put the crystal / —the good china— / on the porch.”) They added to the poem’s suspense while also providing a little humor.

Natasha’s “Ghost Trapped in a Glass Rose”

Fantastic title right off the bat! It immediately suggests the poem’s narrative style and I enjoy the lyricism in the title as well as throughout the poem. To me, the poem gives off the speaker’s struggles with societal and religious conformity and the title serves as a great metaphor where the speaker may see themselves as ghostlike and supernatural or the odd fit in a supposedly pristine “glass rose.” The reference to the Forbes story was also very effective in adding to this idea of ‘those who don’t fit the mold should be vilified and scrutinized.’ And of course, there’s the whole mask motif present in the poem and the act of “masking” (For instance, the speaker pretending she wasn’t poor). The poem kind of plays with juxtapositions in this way, particularly with the crone character. Readers may imagine the crone as a ghastly and disagreeable woman when in reality she seems to serve as a sort of comfort for the speaker: “We’d trade scars and cards, traded war stories too, forgetting / for a moment that sand’s dwindling.” I just love the rhythm of these lines. I also feel like the next line “Forgetting who loved who” along with the “Lavender scent” and “rainbow sticker” may imply a queer commentary as well of sorts.

The only lines that felt a bit awkward were “I didn’t really have a mother, but sometimes mother had me when I / wasn’t locked away by father.” Maybe the speaker is a child of divorce since the speaker says “mother had me.” I also found the line “locked away by father” jarring but in an intriguing way. I think maybe one or two more lines exploring that idea could be interesting. Beautiful poem overall, though!

Alicia Critiques

Des, “Gilded Scars”: I like the appearance of the poem- lines, spacing, and breaks. A relationship-these are opposites that work together. The comparison of relationship to porcelain: beautiful, broken, and put back together is great. Broken beauty (porcelain) with detail (ornately carved). “We go together” theme (a glove to conceal) to perhaps complement each other (to become someone the wearer is not). Explanations of the subjects of the poem are effective because they are “like night and day” [good metaphor] because they feel each other’s pain [“when they fall, they shatter, perfectly times, and the pieces cling to each other, inseparable.”] Age, time, and commitment equals beauty.  

 

Quinn, Indiscriminate Signs from the Universe, Untranslated”: The grouping of lines/concepts is great. The first stanza indicates sadness (“I waited for the rain to stop”). The second stanza indicates speaker plants and things happen, then forgets her work because negative things keep happening. Third stanza- I love the metaphor “My palms are two lakes or oil spill or watercolor in a rocks glass Drink Me” (comparison to Alice in Wonderland). Maybe there is a peace in familiarity even if it's “toxic” (per situations that cause “panic attacks”?). Separation of line is good for “and the water is so blue.” Again, familiarity can be enticing.  The speaker is trying to prevail. I like planting bulbs and perennials- trying to grow something/improve but forgot and thought of negative (finger cut with spade).    

 

Natasha,”Ghost Trapped in a Glass Rose”: I loved that the speaker took off on the assignment’s prompt per the Diane Arbus photo/Halloween mask: the mention of “cold crone,”; “when I last went, she was wearing that mask, again. I knew Halloween was her favorite…” The poem becomes darker as it progresses (“more tricks than treats,” “Growing up alone was torture, pretending I wasn’t poor was a chore,” ends with: “Realized anyone who dreams are destined to be crucified.” A good example of how the subconscious mind can take off and run from the prompt for Poem 2 assignment.  

Natasha's critiques

“Gilded Scars” – Des Lord

Much like your other poem, this piece is so delectably written and has a hauntingly beautiful aura to it. This was felt right off the bat with the title. I enjoyed the mentioning of comedy and tragedy, and it felt very much like a nod to theatre, especially the Thalia and Melpomene masks. Then again, when speaking about becoming “someone the wearer is not”, I was picturing pretending as a dramatic performance. Lastly, “Ancient Japanese art brought into modern day” led me to assume this means Kabuki. I could be way off base here, either way, the theme of unmasking falsehoods is clear. I loved the imagery and personification in the unmasking, “shatter together” and “pieces cling to each other”. The ending feels like a full circle moment, rebuilding a better version of what was broken, being honest, etc. The only thing that I had noted for edit was, if “this” from “this is the truth” were italicized, it would add emphasis to truth after dishonesty. Also, being that it’s in the middle, it could be visually interesting as a separation. Regardless, this poem is great work!

“Indiscriminate Signs from the Universe, Untranslated” – Quinn Newell

There is so much to unpack here! I enjoy how your narrative abilities are able to paint such tangible images, while keeping sounds and rhythm in mind. The form in this starts out pretty similar, but the differentiating stanzas in the rest of the poem helps strengthen the tempo changes. The first stanza starts off strong with the inner rhymes and the story telling aspect. That second stanza though, wow! I’m getting Long Goodbye from gimlets, and then the sounds in the entire second line are phenomenal. The rhythm/metrical pattern in the last four lines speeds up the poem in a climatic spot, emphasizing the imagery of cutting one’s finger. Then in the next stanza, I got chills at “Drink Me”. This entire piece is so well thought out, I don’t have any suggestions for improvements.

Jessica's Critiques

Critiques

Des Lord/Gilded Scars

This poem is very intricate which makes it in itself a form of putting together the pieces. I love the rhythm of the piece and the use of commas, as I mentioned in class, as a way to force the reader to pause at the right moments. the tone of the poem is sensitive and embracing of the things that are not perfect. The poem seems narrative but could also be viewed as abstract, which I like a lot. You do a great job of rounding out the poem with some nice sounds. The "and now cherished, and more beautiful, than ever before" works really well in terms of those syllables hitting in a "finale" type of way. it really wraps up the poem puts a nice button on it.

Natasha/ Ghost Trapped in a Glass Rose

This is haunting and not just because of the Halloween reference. I love the use of imagery--Halloween, Grey Gardens, preserved her essence in a syringe, circus freaks, pickled my face." It's just so dark and yet familiar at the same time. It draws us into the darkness of this relationship to mother but also into the darkness of this imagery and ideas of freakish scenes. The tone is narrative and feels very fairytale-esque. Telling us a darker story of losing oneself against the backdrop of dysfunction and the loss of someone. The way your lines break off works very well for the poem and I appreciate the spoken word feeling of the poem overall.

Quinn/Indiscriminate Signs from the Universe

The use of white space off the top really creates distinct way to approach the poem. Each stanza stands alone and yet it all is part of the narrative. -the good china- such a stand out phrase in the perfect spot. Love that. "taste better baptized, sin-soaked gin" just those sounds work so well together. and it gives off this midwest bible beating vibe. "Drink Me" the alice in wonderland reference really speaks to this mythical fantastical world in which you are painting for us. And yet its a moment of surprise, fear, change that takes place for this young boy, to witness the implosion of "her". Which takes me to this place of thinking --femininity + midwest--what is really popping in this poem? "doused in her sister" is why I'm thinking in that direction. The poem is story of something larger and so many metaphors used well. Love it.

Critiques by Alexus

Des “Gilded Scars” – critiqued by Alexus Davis

I love the raw and open vulnerability that is shown within your writing. The imagery and setting help the reader feel like they are right there with you in these moments you’ve chosen to share. I don’t technically have any critiques here, other than possibly rethink the title? That is just my personal thought though!

Natasha “Ghost Trapped in a Glass Rose” – Critiqued by Alexus Davis

I loved this poem, the theme and the enjambment were really working well together here. One suggestion I would give is to make sure that you are using the same tense for verbs and words in this poem. For example, you say “we’d trade scares and cards..” in the past tense reference, but then you say “the sand’s dwindling” in the present tense? Maybe I am reading this wrong, who knows. This was just something that caught my eye.

Quinn “Indiscriminate Signs from the Universe, Untranslated” – Critiqued by Alexus Davis

I thoroughly enjoyed this work, Quinn. The imagery and they way you broke character in the middle of the poem. At least, to me, it felt like you broke character. You were planting bulbs, your brother comes running, and then all of a sudden you’re in your own head. Thinking on your anxieties and how thoughts of toxicity and being thirsty invade your moment. Only to return to the moment when your brother explains one of the peahens exploded. I also enjoyed your las two lines of some stanzas being broken/shifted over throughout the poem.