More Critiques 

Father Paschal's Critiques

Poem #2

Ghost Trapped in a Glass by Natash O’Hara

Dear Natasa,

I am fascinated by realizing the depths of your poem and reflecting on the images you have used in it. Such as Loving Divine Father Vs. Sinful children, mother, pride, and crucifixion. I like the first and the last lines of the poem. However, this poem speaks about the darkest things of human life that are crucified. 

You did a great job. 

Peace.

Fr. Paschal

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Poem#2

Ancestral Heat by Jessica Kado

Dear Kado,

You have written a fabulous poem that led me to think about many things in my family when I read your poem. However, I like the repetition of the word “laughing” in the second paragraph. It gives me great thoughts about the imagination of my childhood. Moreover, your use of solid metaphors in the seventh and eighth stanzas, such as volcanic bubbling lava mountain, reveals many untold stories of the ancestors or family. Furthermore, I like the style and language of your writing.

You did a great job.

Fr. Paschal

 

Poem#2

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend by Kristin Cline

Dear Kristin,

I enjoyed your poem, realizing the journey from unreadiness to breaking a leg. It tells many things. However, it is a beautiful poem about self-realization that goes asking many questions. The last words: ready, set, curtain, and break a leg, answer all the questions because the character mentioned in the poem is a good doer than a planner. The noticeable thing is that the poem ends happily, saying, “don’t close your eyes, paint your lips …  

Poem#2

Petrichor by Emma LePla 

Dear Emma,

I like the excellent title of your poem. I found a good simile between the title and the poem because it talks about childhood experiences, teenage characteristics, and self-realization. From a psychoanalytic view, in this poem, I see the role of mind and heart in growing human virtues through the process of information to reflection, then from reflection to self-formation, and finally, from self-formation to transformation. This whole process gets fulfillment to the virtue of kindness you have talked about in the poem. However, from a spiritual view, I see the entire poem talking about your transfiguration, which glitters kindness like the petrichor. Moreover, I like the lines, “I learned quickly that nothing can stop rain once it’s begun, but we can do our best to prepare ourselves for its arrival.” I got a very pragmatic and spiritual view in these two lines. Furthermore, the noticeable thing about the poem is that it starts and ends with the word “kindness,” which is very much for today’s world. You have a good hand in writing. Continue it and publish them. 

 

Poem#3

By Madi

Dear Madi,

Like your other two poems, I enjoyed reading this one too. I notice that you use different characters of your family in your poems, which is the uniqueness of your writing style to tell the stories. Moreover, this poem speaks about social, cultural, and psychological things that give deeper meaning to it. I was fascinated reading the anthropological approach of your poem when you wrote, “Dad’s philosophizing. Money was invented when humans stopped considering the value of the Earth.” Moreover, the last three lines of your poem remind me of how God provides food to his creation in nature. I hope, one day, you will publish an excellent poetry book. Great job.

 

Poem#3

Bleeps, Bloops and All the Flashing Lights by Andy Jewett

Dear Andy,

Your poem title is very metaphoric, which leads me to think about my life in many ways. I enjoyed reading your poem mainly for two reasons. First, it talks about the paradox of life. For instance, the poem’s voice says, “An invader but not stranger/I am not alone but alone.” Second, the poem says some positive things amidst a hard time in life. Such as, the voice in the poem says, “Light pockets lead to heavy spirits/ but I have time/ no need to get ahead of myself/enjoy the moment/and savor the flavor.” It speaks about hope, faith, and charity to oneself and others. Your poems expose the depths of your thoughts. It’s a meaningful poem to me. You did a great job, brother.

 

Natasha's Critiques

Batch 3

 

“Full” – Amanda Ross

This poem is super sweet! I love the conversational feel to it, especially in the first two lines. Then in lines 2 and 4, the sounds are jam packed with alliteration (S, ST, F) and assonance (EA, AM) which continue throughout the rest of the poem. The rhythm in lines 13 and 14 (9 syllables) and 19 and 20 (10 syllables) stand out on their own, but still flows with the other lines. I really enjoyed the imagery in the last three lines and all the ways that the speaker’s mother holds. I feel like “me” at the end could get a line to itself, but certainly doesn’t need to change. I have some edits on the hard copy of a few sections that could be omitted like “she still cooks for me”. I also have some notes where adding imagery could make a bigger impact. Overall, I think this is a beautiful poem that uses “cooking” as a way to celebrate a mother’s love, well done!

 

“Half Lives, Little Deaths” – Mariah Woolley

Right off the bat, this starts off strong with the sounds. The o sounds in the first line really set the pace, and the poem just keeps punching with stressed and unstressed syllables. The religious elements in this piece (deliverance, penance, paraclete), the mentioning of gods (War, Rust, Play) and the idea of death, seem to have some sort of surrender and resurrection connotation. The voice is strong throughout and has a dream like feel for the first stanza. Then in the second, it shifts to a conversational tone. This to me, makes the poem seem as if it has gone through a death/surrender (transformation) and has been reborn. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to feel like the death of innocence or childhood, but the first death being represented by a velvet-white rabbit being abandoned, and then the speaker comes back more serious in the second stanza, gives me that sort of vibe. I could be way off. Regardless, this poem is packed with great sounds, stunning imagery, and detailed choices in formatting. Great work!

 

“Lungs Are Just Less Fluffy Clouds” – Matelyn Standiford

I love the simplicity of the layout and the lack of punctuation in this piece. It makes for an easy, staccato read. I enjoyed the repetition of “last” in lines 4-6, as well as the s sounds in that section. The w sounds in lines 7-9 are also working well and influences the lyricism in the imagery of winter as a weighted blanket. I like that you used the woman from the photo in the beginning as someone’s “last” photo. To me, this poem feels like it’s about loss, or grief, and the unbearable weight that it carries. I have some minor edits on the hard copy, but nothing too substantial. I did suggest that the last line be broken up into two or even three lines. Because of the quick flow of this piece, I feel that splitting up the last line would slow down the speed and make that final line more impactful.

 

“what’s to Want, in going” – Shannon Vail

You have such a distinct voice in all your pieces, and so far, a continuous thread of using nature. The title is different, and I like that “Want” is the only word capitalized, emphasizing that words importance to the poem (wanting, changing wants). The sharp C sounds in the first line hooked me right away. At first, “teeth bitten hands” made me think of hands with literal bite marks all over them, but I’ve reread this one several times and it seems to be more of an anxious habit (like biting nails). It took me way to long to understand that “them bites” meant that the bites were the ones shouting, so reworking that might make it clearer. I enjoy the conversational aspects that are placed throughout this piece (“Though I shouldn’t”, “really anyway”, “So anyway”, “I’ve tried to tell them”) as it brings a down to earth feel to a rather subconscious train of thought. The formatting feels right, and the enjambments work well, all in all, great stuff!

 

“A Time To Heal” – Alicia Wildfang

I felt like I went through a lot reading this, as in your piece took me to a lot of different directions that are simultaneously woven together (Ben Franklin, Seasons, TV shows, laughter).

I love the blank space after Ben Franklin and the hypophora in parenthesis that continues to discuss how the store is “like a small version of Kmart”. I enjoy the lack of punctuation, as it gives off this constant stream of inner monologuing. The title feels spot on, the way this piece starts with one idea, then leads to another, and another, really makes the reader (or at least for me) feel as if they are working through something. There is a lot here, and honestly, I haven’t found any areas that I would cut because every line in this feels like it has a purpose.

 

 

     

 

 

Father Paschal Critiques

Poem-2

A Time to Heal by Alicia Wildfang

Dear Alicia,

I enjoyed your poem because of the following reasons:

·       The title of the poem is incredible.

·       I found that more than 12 ideas or experiences you have as a girl, mother, and woman are narrated with amazing transitions and flow like a river.

·       There are pretty good fun and comedy things in your poem that make me laugh. For instance, the question regarding “Ben Franklin” and the story and TV series like Me Talk Pretty One Day. These things make the poem interesting to read. Moreover, “Yagga zuzzi … zim,” gives more rhythm to the poem.

·       I am hoarding the moving slowly snow falling on my driveway because each one of those … new to me now. These lines are incredible to read.

To me, it is a prose poem that reflects the old days. It represents readers’ self-memoir of their own past. You did a great job!!! I wish to read your poetry one day.

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Poem-2

What’s to Want, in going by Shannon Vail

Dear Shannon,

Your poem is amazing to me because of the images you use in it. As a reader, I took a long time to think about your poem to get the poem’s meaning in a deeper layer of thoughts. To me, the images of blasted chunks of concrete, needles, bites, sweat, stop, windows, pains, and fancy change undercarriage present the message that life is full of hardship and pain through which human being goes on to get what they want. It expresses anger and dissatisfaction. For instance, human beings say, “Yes, I have this, and I got it. I want other new things. However, the language and narrative of your poem is terrific. I like your style of writing this poem.

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Poem-2

Full by Amanda Ross

Dear Amanda,

It is always a pleasure for me to read your poems because of their simplicity. Particularly, in this poem, the speaker uses a metaphorical voice that tells me something is absent in our life. Since the title of your poem is “Full,” is portrayed through the experiences of your mother’s loving care to you, I recalled my memories with my mom. I feel I am blessed for my mom and dad. Thank God. One noticeable thing in this poem is the favorite food item “grilled chicken.” It is really stimulating the food senses of those who love the taste and smell of it. However, the last line of the poem, “I could never get full of that feeling, the way her hands hold a spatula, a plate, and orange, me,” is a very beautiful way of saying how you feel the love of your mom that bring fulness in life.

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Poem-1

Murder Thrown Around at the Circus by Matelyn Standiford

Dear Matelyn,

I enjoyed reading your memoir poem. It took me to my childhood when I used to go to the circus and was afraid to see the knives thrown at the man. However, I like the structure of each couplet with its amazing words, diction, rhythm, and syllable arrangement. I like how you use the tone of I, we, her. “Would you trust me?” gives a tone of tension in the audience's voice. It’s an existential question for us all regarding our profession and relationship. I would say the lines of your poem are short and sweet. Great job.

Poem-2

Lungs Are Just Less Fluffy Clouds by Matelyn Standiford

Dear Matelyn,

I like your writing style and enjoy reading your poem because they are very simple and well-written with depths of meaning. Lungs are Just Less Fluffy Clouds is a good poem title that talks about the mind's nervousness with the music's rhythm. For example, series of last like, a gust of autumn, death, white weight, heavy so heavy, hard to breathe, made me promise, looking for good, drown myself, etc., are words that give me a vibe of gloominess in the poem. However, I like the arrangement of the line in your poem. You did it genius way. Then, the combination of your words section for the poem is amazing.  Both poems have a short line with dictions and syllables. This time also, you have done a great job.

 

Poem-2

October Nougat Bottom of the Bucket by Andy Jewett

Dear Andy,

I know you are very good at creative writing, either in fiction or non-fiction. Thus, I enjoyed reading this poem. Especially, I like the stanza, Is reversion a gift inflicted … Do you remember which houses we’ve been to? The different characters and dialogue in the poem have made me think about my own grandma. However, I like how you divided the stanzas using dialogue and questions. One noticeable thing in your poem is a voice of sadness under the dialogue I found.

You did a great job. I hope one day I’ll buy your poetry.

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Poem-2

Half Lives, Little Deaths by Mariah Woolley

Dear Mariah,

I was curious to know what you wrote in the poem when I first read the title “Half Lives, Half Death.”  I really enjoyed reading your poem and noticing the powerful idea in the first three lines of the poem. The starting of your poem with the words “Until Deliverance: … god of War, and the ending word “photosynthesizing,” express the depths of your thought. To me, both of them give the idea of rebirth or reborn. However, I found the fulfillment of the title throughout the poem when I thought about the phrases you use: Until Deliverance, the first death, we forget, my first death, and the last line of the poem.  The lines, “That somehow in all that dying … left holding on to life,” speak about our real phenomenon of life. Moreover, I like the language you used in this poem.

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Poem-2

Indiscriminate Sings from the Universe, Untranslated by Quinn Newell

Dear Quinn,

I read your poem and felt terrific with its title and content. However, When I read it, the following thoughts came in my mind:

·       The poem talks about different types of moods and feelings or human life.

·       The religious elements go with reality in a toxic moment.

·       Each stanza carries different ideas.

·       The whole poem seems to me dangerous.

·       The last stanza seems to be a metaphor and speaks something new.

I like the style and structure of your poem. I was amazed reading thin nice poem. 

KRISTIN CRITIQUES

 

Half Lives, Little Deaths by Mariah Woolley

I have reread this a few times and while I’m not entirely sure what is happening in the beginning I am struck by the beauty and flow of it all. I love how ore and war rhyme, though it looks effortless it almost felt forced, despite not being both at the end of a line. Not sure it's a bad thing, rather it adds to it. I also am attacked enough I want to look into the fan-leafed Gingko trees. I underlined (I’ll hand it back next class or when we read it so you can get my inline notes and remarks) a few of my favorite lines. I love the complete image of your first death. I am also really infatuated with your line structure. 

 

 Indiscriminate Signs from the Universe, Untranslated by Quinn Newell

First off, I was intrigued by your title, which after reading is perfect. I have read this quite a few times and am a lot lost but not from the fact that I don’t understand, but rather like it’s another planet and someone forgot to hand me a map. So Untranslated is perfect. I have no suggestions, though I really want to hear you read it, I think things will somehow fall into place with your voice. I did underline some of my favorite lines, and will hand it back to you next class or whenever you read. 

 

Ghost Trapped in a Glass Rose by Natasha O’Hara

I have a lot said in-line and will hand it back to you next class or whenever you read. But to summarize, I’m not sure why but my brain kept adding words I felt were there. Not because your sentence was wrong, there is no wrong but even still but… I don’t know, perhaps I’m going crazy. As for the “story” I was there, fully, then lost but not entirely sure I was supposed to be found, then there again. One thing I would mention, outside of small in-line suggestions that are simply personal opinions, would be to watch your tense. I’m not sure it’s wrong, lord knows I’ve mixed tenses on purpose, but just go through and make sure everything is as you want. 

 

Lungs Are Just Less Fluffy Clouds by Matelyn Standiford

At first I was taken aback by the lack of punctuation but it grew on me and I kinda like it here. Not a choice I think I could make but I really think it works. I would love for this to be a bit longer. What other last were there? I also have a few in-line notes and suggestions that are simply personal opinions or reactions. I do love the line, 

“she made me promise”… Promises are so hard sometimes. 

 

A Time To Heal by Alicia Wildfang

Stream of consciousness is not my favorite to write or read but this was interesting. Long, which I know mine is too because of what it is, (though you did line work that I didn’t and I love). I also love that I feel and can live here. I understand. I feel it. A part of me wants to mark up and delete a lot of the useless words but then are they useless? I can’t seem to mark it up. I’m not sure where to start but also I don’t think it needs it. It would lose something if anything was lost. Would it not? For instance, I want to scratch out “but anyway” in the first bit but then it loses its stream of consciousness. It loses the purpose. So… Thank you. I enjoyed the conflict within and the lovely place to hide from my own thoughts for a bit. 

 

Jessica Kado

Mariah/ Half Lives, Little Deaths

You have this declarative, strong voice that comes through all of your poems. Admittedly I read it somewhat literal at first to be talking about a womb/uterus. If you read it that way it speaks very metaphorically about how life will go on if it wants to survive. The sounds in your poem roll of the tongue and my favorite line is “even the fated fig had to die.” The reference to the stuffed bunny also keeps me in this space of thinking about children and how a mother might reflect back to her own first death, a small token of comfort, even though tarnished. Like I mentioned in class the rhythm of the last stanza is captivating. The way you make that last line work in a rhyming sense gives the poem such a boom at the end.

Alicia/ A Time to Heal

I found myself very immersed in the ride of this poem. Its string of consciousness style works well as it goes from one thought to another but still having a throughline of loneliness and the human need to connect through non reality. Also the juxtoposition of you at home watching these “put together” women on the television is a strong imagery move that works well for the overall message that is coming through. The seasons of life mixed with season of television I love that. Your inclusion of the song from Bewitched gives the whole thing a performance feel, like you are waving your jazz hands away through the whole thing trying to captivate us to understand you still exist in spite of feeling lost.

Shannon/ Whats to Want, in going

The use of such sharp language, and pointed needles, teeth, fiber, the whole time I have this sense of suspense. My whole body is sort of tensing up as I read. This idea of you biting your nails and fingers so intensely and the concrete weighing you down. I can feel the tone of the whole thing so strongly. What i love is that at first it feels very abstract but if you break down each line and even word you start to get a narrative or a feeling that drives the piece. I also enjoy your quippy humor at times in the poem, which comes unexpectedly and makes me laugh.

Matelyn/ Lungs are Just Less Fluffy Clouds
This poem is airy and quick, but heavy with emotion. The short lines read as quick as flashes that one might have during grief. I enjoy the rhythm of it and then “when did it get so hard to breathe” really slows it down for a second, and then, another breath, the rest of the poem. Grief is such an all-encompassing experience and that is the way the poem reads. It is said in one fell swoop and even though it looks different for everyone, and it can last years, your poem sort of encapsulates that entire experience. The memories, the loss, and then just sitting with it.
Amanda/ Full

The poem is an ode to your mother but also seems to be an ode to a craving we all have for love. Food, being a craving but also a way to connect us. I love that you write this about the food rather than JUST about your mom’s love for you because in a subtle way it does give us some imagery in the poem. As a reader you start to think about that image of sneaking food to one’s room, as if it must be enjoyed without anyone, including your mother, knowing. I think this has so many layers to it even though it reads straightforward and I really enjoy that about your writing. It is not just saying one thing, it is speaking deeper to us about how these moments and things create symbolism and nostalgia and connection for us.