POETRY REVIEWS FROM YOUR CLASSMATES

ON FIRST POEM 2s

Des Lord's Critiques 

“Why We Call It Skinny Dipping” – Madi

As with poem 1, you seem to have a good balance of humor (as Professor Lee pointed out in class) and speculation/internal monologue. The speaker’s voice is seamless between the dry reminiscences of first-grade shoe tying to pondering questions about life. One of my favorite lines is “I imagine it’s like the appendix. Or family resentment. / It exists, but what good does it do?” My brain can’t decide whether it wants to laugh or cry, and I think that’s part of what a good poem does. The poem also dances around the innocence/maturity line, crossing back and forth in a way that lends to the humor of it all. Another line I like is “I should’ve known true horror lies in the imagination.” It speaks to me as someone who has a (sometimes dangerously) overactive imagination. Good job!

“Counterpoint” – Lucas

This poem makes me think a lot (which is what a poem is supposed to do!). The end of the first stanza—“This is why I’m here. / To renew my library card. / To hold my note for a bit longer”—is poignant; I think it has a lot of potential to speak to a lot of different readers, which is a masterstroke in poetry. The repetition in the second stanza is clever and, to me, relates the most back to your title—it feels like a contrast to the rest of the poem as well as the white space on the page, while complementing both at the same time. I also like the McClendon reference at the end, adding in (what I assume is) an allegory for climate change and damage to the environment—especially with the added subject of shame in the third stanza. Good job!

“Untitled” – Alexus  

I like the conversational and stream of consciousness aspects of the poem, the constant questioning of how the world around us reacts and acts around people who are different from the “norm.” I think the core of the poem is good, and if you decided to revise, you could take the topic and push it further—use allegories or metaphors to talk about the same topic. You could even use the topic of masks (heaven knows we’ve had enough experience with them over the past three years to have plenty of material). These are just suggestions; you could keep it as it is, maybe break up the lines to allow more white space on the right side of the words. It feels a little too contained as it’s currently written. It’s a good start though and has a lot of potential. Good job!

“October Nougat / Bottom of the Bucket” – Andy

I get a sense that the topic underneath the Halloween metaphor is a loss of innocence, especially with the first line. (I personally think anyone should be allowed to trick-or-treat if they want; I don’t understand the idea of an age limit on Halloween inspiration and tradition.) I’m also curious if the “smashing pumpkins” is a music reference and if there’s something deeper there, but that may just be me. I also like the breaking up of the stanzas with dialogue; as a suggestion for revision, you could move “She’s too old to be trick-or-treating” to its own line above the stanza and then rephrase the first line as “I must have heard him say it a thousand times”? I think it would fit in with those other singular lines of dialogue. Good job! 

Madi's Critiques

Alexus’ “Untitled”

I want to first say that I really enjoyed the typewriter-like font you chose. To me, it adds to the poem's tone, which feels as if it toggles between being a journal entry or a TedTalk. I think the power of the poem lies in its simplicity where the speaker muses about the injustices of the world in plainspoken language. To perhaps make the poem more effective, I’d suggest maybe adding a touch more personal details and imagery to make the poem less abstract and feel a little more intimate to give it extra emphasis. For instance, you could elaborate more with the lines “You never know what someone is going through. / They wear a mask that can hide the struggles they face.” These are such true-life statements that I think expanding upon the specifics of what frustrates the speaker about the world and what kind of  “masks” people wear would pack more of a punch.

Andy’s “October Nougat Bottom of the Bucket”

I really enjoyed the presence of this woman “too old for trick or treating” throughout the poem. My interpretation was that she was an older woman, perhaps a relative of the speaker, who is maybe suffering from some kind of cognitive decline like dementia or something, but her one reprieve is trick or treating. I feel like the paranoia behind the lines “Did I lock the door?” and “I hope I locked the door” reflects that. The dialogue was a bit unclear to me at times, regarding who was speaking, but I still think it works either way. (eg. Whether the speaker is asking the woman, “Do you remember which houses we’ve been to?” as a mental exercise or if the woman herself is genuinely asking the question). I loved the discursive questions pondered near the end, “what makes those fish Swedish? / does anyone really like coconut in their candy?” I also enjoyed the poem’s context of Halloween and how it fits well with themes of identity; dual identities that come from wearing masks or loss of identity from factors beyond our control such as a medical condition.

Lucas’ “Counterpart”

Wow, reading your poem made me wish I was more musically inclined so I could properly characterize the musicality of this poem. The first two lines and the anaphora of the second stanza sound very beatbox-y and spoken word-like, but I love it! The poem's pacing is quite fast with the short lines until we get to the enjambment “Brain in a child’s bedroom / bleeding.” I love that the word bleeding just sits by itself and forces the reader to slow down after the momentum of the short lines and it just acts as a gut punch, bringing even more gravitas to a poem that’s already very rhythmic and self-aware. Your use of asterisks also works well for this point of dividing and slowing down the poem. I love your title too and the juxtapositions of tone and pacing—how the tone feels somber while the speaker is simultaneously searching for resolutions of some kind.

Natasha

Reviews 1

“Untitled” – Alexus Davis

I really enjoyed the overall theme within your poem. This work is straightforward and honest with a clear, linear trajectory. I like that it’s very conversational, feels like one speaking to someone or to a group. Then there’s moments of self-talk, “What is normal?”, “The societal norm, I guess?” This, to me, makes it feel real. The line “It’s easy to be kind to people. Free even.” is my favorite line from this poem and definitely pushes the hypocrisy that is America’s “Freedom.” My suggestions for pushing this work farther are formatting and imagery. For formatting, I like that it’s in one long stanza, but I think if the lines were shorter and some enjambment was thrown in, it could have a big impact with little change. For the second, a lot of the lines tell (which is fine) but evoking the senses with imagery would certainly elevate the passion within this poem. For instance, the section where the “people point and laugh. Or just stare.” could be vamped up with imagery to really expose how the “people” treat those who are different.  Overall, I enjoyed this piece. Great work! 

 

“October Nougat Bottom of the Bucket” – Andy Jewett

This poem doesn’t take me where I thought it would… and I really enjoy that! This piece has a conversational feel to it while being fairly associative in context. I love the overall “trick or treating” story you’ve created (biased, but Halloween’s my fav). I also enjoyed that the conclusion is that the door was ultimately locked but not by the speaker, ending with a bit of mystery. The title is cool, I like the tie into the candy, and I enjoyed the slant rhyme. The last line in the third stanza “Mask are…” is my favorite line, and I like the underlying message of hiding one’s true self. For revisions, I like the format that this poem is in; however, I feel like the last stanza is out of place. If “the lights are out, no one’s home” from the middle, as well as the last line of the stanza “the door. . .” , are separated into their own stanzas it would feel more connected. That last line could even be separated into a couplet, which would be different but still flows with the spacing. Lastly, I’d just clean up some sentences to sound more poetic. Not that they sound bad, but an example is the line “borrowing identify. . .” from the last stanza. I think the first half is great, but the “those forgotten” could be reworked to fading away (generic but something of that sort). I can’t wait to see what you do with this!

“Why We Call It Skinny Dipping” – Madi Bandera

This poem has some incredible moments! I’m still hyped up over the line “as if only skinny people have the balls” and that whole section, just perfection. I think the overall formatting is cool, it mimics movement and made me think of it as tying laces after reading the first line. It does read a bit like three separate ideas or train of thoughts. I think the beginning is cute, lighthearted, and comical, but it really picks up at “After a shower”. From that line to “it exists, but what good does it do” just felt like a gut punch. I feel that separating the chunk into three separate stanzas would work well. The last chunk feels a bit wordy and loses momentum a bit. Some words could be omitted (like “that” after I imagined, 2^nd to last line), or phrases reworked to help keep the rhythm flowing. That visceral ending though, wow!

“Counterpoint” – Lucas Burkett

Remarkable. This poem is so dang good, Lucas!! I loved the first two lines of dialogue; I was hooked after “I don’t dance in coffins”. The musicality, the rhythm and the breaks are all so meticulously placed. I loved the assonance throughout, but especially in “books hold song”. Seems simple, but man does it pack a punch. The last two lines in the first stanza are great, I especially loved the usage of “my note” as a metaphor for life. The second stanza feels like a brain scan, I enjoyed all the various places the brain travelled. The ending of that stanza emits the visual of bleeding with the spacing. The ending is strong. I did have to google Aubrey McClendon, which only leaves me with more questions. I don’t have any suggestions for revisions, even like the title (seems so simple while literally defining what you’ve created) is so perfectly placed. Great work!

Fr. Paschal

Alexus Davis’s Untitled Poem-2

Dear Alexus,

I enjoyed your poem. As a poet, you have depicted the reality of our society poetically, truthfully, and fascinatingly. The striking point in each line of your poem is that it carries a strong message for society. I like the way you have described the disabilities of today’s world.  To me, the speaker’s voice in the poem speaks about two types of people. First, it talks about the people who really need care and love because of their disabilities, but society lacks it. Second, the speaker also talks about those people who victimize, criticize, and stare at disabled people or less fortunate. Finally, the speaker appeals to his/her community to give importance to each one who needs assistance because of their own disability. It’s a good message in this poem. When the speaker says, “It’s depressing that we live in a world that frowns upon being different,” it shows that we live in a fake world. It also urges society to be more human with a loving attitude. I also like the bit of the rhythmic syllables.

I highly appreciate your great work. It was literally nutrition of my thought level. The great work is amazingly done. God. Move ahead to publish your poetry book.

Fr. Paschal.

 

Why We Call It Skinny Dipping

By Madi Bandera

Dear Madi,

Thank you for your thoughtful and creative writing. I enjoyed your poem. I wondered how wonderfully the speaker of the poem shifts from one idea to another and to different objects for reflection in the deeper layer of thought level. Your poem makes me think like a child who is surprised and curious to know the different layers of life and reality in this world when s/he grows up step by step discovering him/herself and the world. Moreover, I like the sounds of the syllables in the poem. Such as, “after a shower, I wonder;” “thumbtack was Excalibur … mother became King Arthur. “Furthermore, I like how you moved from shoelaces to skinny dipping. And then how you connect it with the navel cord that reveals our union with mom, and finally, you finished the poem saying who is a mother in our life. However, I laughed when I read that the speaker in the poem thinks that the navel cord is an appendix. Well, I would say that the speaker in the poem, as a first-grade student, has brought out their thoughts poetic way perfectly.

The great work is amazingly done. God. Move ahead to publish your poetry book.

Fr. Paschal.

 

Counterpoint

By Lucas Burkett

Dear Lucas

What a beautiful way you have set the ideas in writing a poem. It really amazes me. In your poem, I found three types of voices from the speaker. The voice of the first stanza compares itself with a second person, “you,” It denies dancing with the lie but prefers to enjoy creativity in reading, writing, and music. However, in the second stanza, the voice speaker repeats the word “brain” and its different activities thirteen times and ends with “bleeding.” To me, through this, the speaker in the poem says people are tired of lying and bleeding. Finally, the third voice of the speaker says about the reasons for his/her shame.

Moreover, I like the syllables of diction in the poem, repetition of the diction gives a different taste of thoughts.

Finally, I enjoyed your poem. I was waiting to read your poetry. Good luck.

Fr. Paschal

Mariah 

Poem 2, Alexus

To me this poem reads like a spoken word poem (not a bad thing!), brimming with social commentary and making good use of sharp short phrases and punctuation. The decision to end each line with a solid period instead of carrying lines over through enjambment makes the reader pause and forces each line to work as an almost completely separate (but still interconnected thought). The line “you never know what someone is going through” is just one great example of this. This lends the poem a slightly scoffing tone, like the speaker in the poem is just fed up and done with the way things are and is calling everybody out on it; and that works really well with the subject matter. Your use of repetition also strikes me as strong here. For example, in “intellectually disabled. physically disabled” or “they don’t understand. How could they understand?” I do think that you could play a bit more with lines/ stanzas. There are a few really impactful lines where the poem’s social commentary stands out the most that almost beg to be on their own—for example, if you could put “you never know what someone is going through” on its own line to really make it stand out from the rest of the poem.

Poem 2, Andy

There is so much going on in this poem in the best sort of way. The context is obviously Halloween but right from the start there are all these lovely dips that take the reader much deeper than a simple poem about trick-or-treating (“She’s too old…” “masks are so often…” “all the memories stolen away” etc.) What is really great about this poem is the way it builds. You leave all these little crumbs for the reader but it’s only at the very end that the poem comes into its own as a poem about personal identity and loss (or at least that’s how I read it). That last stanza just sells the rest of the poem in a delicious way: “borrowing identity is better than those forgotten” calling back to “masks are so often” is such a great use of the extended Halloween metaphor! I love the stand-out lines also! “Did I lock the door?” “I hope I locked the door” again plays so well off the setting.

Poem 2, Madi

This is a sharp, sarcastic, almost sardonic poem that for me almost takes on an earthy quality somehow? I think I’m picking the earthy feeling up from some of the imagery you use (which is great, by the way!) and the rounded vowel sounds at certain points in the poem. Things like “primal desire,” “afterbirth” etc. and your use of sound in places like “a shower// I wonder” and “does a belly button serve// beyond the womb?” You have a great sense of tug and pull with rhythm. Those rounded vowel sounds prompt the reader to slow down but the enjambment at the end of nearly every line forces the poem to keep going in spite of the pause, giving the poem a pressing quality, like everything is hanging at the edge of a precipice. “Where I would practice rolling//my eyes at the back of my head. It’s incredible//how much one can accomplish” is one great example of this. And all of this works very well with the subject matter. This poem makes me feel like I’m questioning everything. I do think that you could play a bit more with sound in the last few lines since to me they lose a bit of the resonance that carries the rest of the poem—but I’d also hate to see the weird (but potent!) imagery of King Arthur and the thumbtack Excalibur get lost, so I almost hesitate to suggest any changes.

Poem 2, Lucas

I don’t know how familiar you are with actual counterpoint form, but as someone who had to slog through the actual pain of writing counterpoint as a music student this poem hits all the right notes (wasn’t intending for that to be a pun but hey, it works). The tonality of this poem feels like the arduous task of music lessons and writing counterpoint—almost like the sharp stinging tones of an angry harpsichord—and the way you play with that and build it up through repetition and parallelism (like a counterpoint itself) is masterfully done. The whole mid-section screams–I mean like the words literally read like they’re screaming, building and building until that final “bleeding.” That word stings. It stings so much that the first few lines of the last section almost feel like a letdown (“shame seems so useless nowadays”), although the drop in intensity is a nice reprieve (actually like the slow movement of a symphony can be—or that’s how my musician brain sees it). So, I think it depends on what you’re aiming for, whether you want to keep the sharp intensity of the middle section going all the way to the end or whether you want that last section to feel like coming up for air. The “shame” lines are well done (love the sounds there!) but they almost strike me as out of place in this particular poem. Either way, well done; I can feel the pain.

Alicia Wildfang's Critiques

“Why We Call It Skinny Dipping” / Madi

I like the autobiographical sense of this poem with specific names (Mrs. G, Nichole, Devin) mentioned. The “place” and “time” is the speaker’s own memories from first grade and flashes to the present place of simply “being” and goes back to first grade again at the end. I’m wondering if the spacing/grouping of 1^st grade at the beginning and end; and the middle section should be put in single-spaced stanzas with a space in between each part?  The metaphor of your use of “belly button” and “appendix” just being there seems to mean to me the “Tone” of the poem is regret for not accepting things as they are/just for “being there.” Past and present awareness of self indicates an impatience in the poem and other people holding the speaker back. The speaker questions herself which seems to indicate fear of attachment or hurt.

“Counterpoint” / Lucas

I like the layout of this poem. The lines are short and easy to read and the grouping of lines makes my eye study the page more. It seems that the speaker’s place is getting a medical procedure/scan of his brain and as he is lying down he is thinking of many random things to take his mind off what’s being done in the present or what may be wrong, hoping that it’s nothing serious. What the head/brain itself remembers is effective with “Brain in a…” lines: what the head holds (wig, Stetson hat, mask); random memories from a span of years (tornado drill [childhood]?; electric slide [dance from middle or high school]?; back to childhood [red corvette waterbed]. Speaker likes business information and mentions Aubrey McClendon who had legal trouble pending and died in a car accident but indicated that whatever genius Aubrey had, he was free of it when he died because “he breaks his skull free” from worries.

 

Poem 2 (Untitled) / Alexus

 

I like that the speaker is being positive about having empathy for others; noticing what less fortunate people may be experiencing.  Maybe try to add a metaphor like, “Walk a mile in their shoes” or something like that would sound extra poetic. Perhaps it would be easier to read if it was ordered with some spacing/ grouped in two-three lines per concept with space in between? The tone and time is now for watching others and being kind to them, it’ll help. It’s a poem about humanity. Speaker is telling the reader to try harder and live without judgment, but the speaker is dismayed at the lack of compassion by ending the poem with, “It’s depressing that we live in a world that frowns upon being different.”  The poem starts hopeful and asks for change, but by the end it’s sad, almost like the speaker gives up.

 

“October Nougat Bottom of the Bucket” / Andy

 

I like the spacing of this poem, lines are grouped well and easy to read and think about…I’m wondering about the title if it could be more specific to the fun and positive feeling of the poem? Place is trick or treating on Halloween night. Could be about a parent and their child growing up together and changing. I like “give her bag back, fill it with her favorite things.” I like the questions in this poem because there’s a concern about the door being locked or not – metaphor for treasuring these memories, but asking who will remember them- hoping the child or parent will unlock the key and think fondly of these past times by asking “who has the key?” in the last line. The names of the candy mentioned (circus peanuts, fish [“What makes a fish Swedish?”- funny!];  “good and plenty for all” (nice play on words) - makes me feel nostalgic and comfortable when reading it.

JESSICA

Jessica Kado's Poem 2 Critiques (Andy, Alexus, Lucas, Madi)

Andy/ October Nougat Bottom of the Bucket
There is something innocent and yet eery going on in this poem. The tone is sentimental while also a hint of parental paranoia that really comes through in that repeat “did i lock the door?” and then “I hope locked the door.” There’s also a protective tone going on from the beginning. “Mind your own business, guy!” says so much about a dad wanting his daughter to stay young and protect her from the masked strangers. You have a good rhythm in the poem. The shorter lines, the questions all give pause to some of the longer stanzas in between. The poem seems somewhat narrative but very associative in these candy lines-milk duds are misnomers is a great use of that mmm sound. I feel there’s a story being told about the playfulness of Halloween but a father’s worry about how to ride that line between childhood and adulthood and where things become scary for him. We are in the neighborhood and all things mentioned keep us there from front lawns, to “lights are out nobody’s home”. Love it. The title is intriguing to me and drew me in.

Alexus/ Untitled

The tone is conversational while also contemplative. Would love to see lines stand on their own. Such as :

intellectually disabled.
Physically disabled.
Mental illness.

Other lines too. Like maybe instead of that punctuation there’s a new line. Could give the poem a different rhythm. There’s something striking about putting them each on their own line. Making the reader stop to think. Like it might be interesting to see the word stray on its own line. The narrative here seems to be going in the direction of landing on a final message. One in which the poet is trying to get to and has to sort of wade through the weeds of it. Or even breaking lines in places one might not expect. I enjoy that this feels like someone is almost having a conversation with themselves, trying to understand the world we live in. We are in the narrator’s mind.

Lucas/ Counterpoint

The tone in this is haunting, hopeful, redeeming maybe. There’s the first-person narrator but then later a second character is mentioned. So I look up Aubrey McClendon. So now I’m fascinated with this poem as it obviously speaks to the consequences of the oil/energy crisis on health. What a story that is being told. This whole first part is holding space for someone who is trying to hold on. Then suddenly we are thrust into the next part rapidly reading repetition which works so well. And then lastly, this mini- story about Aubrey McClendon dying. The repetition of brain is used very well as we are quickly being introduced to a new image/feeling in each line. The poem comes fully around and gives us closure. “Like love from years.” unexpected but works well-it’s bittersweet. As far as place obviously it moves through time and the experience of two people, but I’m feeling like I’m still with the first character even in the end, if that makes But if I’m not wrong, great title as we see two sides to the problem in this poem.

Madi/Why We Call It Skinny Dipping

Already laughing at the opening line. Tone is sarcastic, and humorous. Love the breaking of the line where it ends with “practice rolling” –that reads and works well. I love these connections between birth, afterbirth, and then this relationship between Nichole and her mother and the ambiguity of whether the mother inflicted this pain or protected her daughter. The mention of resentment twice in the poem gives a feeling that while the poet references an outside family, there may be something personal here. The lines are broken up in a way that it reads very smoothly. Love the imagery people feeling the water as extensions of themselves, and the floating afterbirth. It’s a point in the poem that it slows it down. And then it speeds up again going into first grade again. I love that we are overall in the first grade with the narrator sort of experiencing the world through that perspective, though it feels wise and witty.